For many people, the road to personal transformation and self-improvement is a long and winding road filled with tricky barriers. Drug companies in particular have capitalized on and created gigantic fortunes based on the elusive search for the "Magic Pill" that will make all of your dreams come true. As it turns out, there is a secret formula for success, and it begins in the human mind. One of the laws of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) is that "there is a positive intention behind all behaviors." And based on that law, when it comes to getting rid of negative behaviors, there is an equation that we must always keep in mind. I’ll let you in on the secret equation in a minute. But first, I have a riddle for you to solve.
Riddle: A preacher made his child drink lye, which burned out his vocal chords. What was the positive intention behind this behavior?
If you are like almost all of the clients who have come into my office since 1978, you’ll indignantly say something like: "There isn’t any positive intent behind that behavior." But you would be 100% incorrect. To answer this riddle, first you have to detach the behavior from the positive intent of the deed.
The minister’s child was cursing. And the preacher believes that if his son curses, his soul will be condemned to Hell. So the answer is that the preacher was burning out his child’s vocal cords so that he couldn’t curse. By doing so, he was saving his child’s soul from being fated to Hell.
The secret formula for successful change works as follows:
We must value the positive intention behind each behavior. If we have a compulsion to use a behavior that we do not like, we can easily get rid of the urge to use that behavior. What we need to do is to find another behavior and substitute it in it’s place. To be successful, the new conduct must be as available and effective at accomplishing the same secondary gain, but be more consciously tolerable. This is called a REFRAME.
When clients come into my practice, one of the first things that I do is to take a careful case history. Let’s imagine that they come in and ask me to help them eliminate their appetite. Conventional wisdom tells us that the two main reasons that people eat too much are: (1) for relaxation and pleasure; (2) because eating can be a behavior triggered by other behaviors that it has been associated with (a conditioned response). For instance, if a person eats while they are watching TV, they will develop a conditioned response, and thereafter, every time they sit down to watch TV, they’ll get cravings and an urge to eat.
However, the above answer only takes into consideration the possible positive intention behind the eating behavior. What if they also have another behavior that is concerned in the equation? For instance: What if being tubby is also a behavior for this person? I can hear your mind spinning right now as you think, "Being fat isn’t a behavior, what are you talking about?"
Sorry but you could be completely wrong. Here is one classic textbook example that will demonstrate the fact that being fat can be a behavior. It can be a behavior because it can accomplish positive outcomes.
Example: A woman is in love. Her boyfriend breaks up with her, and breaks her heart. Her unconscious wants to shield her emotionally and keep her from ever having her heart broken again. So it motivates her to get fat to keep her out of relationships. Because if she isn’t in a relationship she won’t get her heart broken again.
The point is that everyone is totally different. And sometimes there are unconsious elements at work causing uncontrollable behaviors. These are elements that are different for each person.
Here’s another case in point: A woman comes into my practice complaining of an uncontrollable compulsion to eat way too much at dinnertime. During my case history, upon questioning, the woman explains to me how she has never been able to satisfy her father.
During an age regression, we learned that one of her earliest memories was of having dinner with her family. And dad was insisting in an authoritive voice that she eat everything on her plate, even though she was stuffed. So she finished the food on her plate out of fear, and dad praised her for finishing all of the food. It was one of the only times in her life that she could recall her dad telling her that he was happy with her.
Shoot forward to the present. Her father has been dead for years, but the unconscious program he installed is still operational. She still has an urge to clean her plate, even if she is feeling full, because by cleaning the plate, in her unconscious she is getting her dad’s approval, and eliminating her fear!
So if you find it it difficult to make personal changes, you should remember that there is a positive intention causing all behaviors. And the formula for success is to alternate a different behavior that will realize the same positive intention, but in a way that is more consciously acceptable to you, as an individual. The most effective way to get your unconscious to assume the responsibility for making this kind of change for you is through an NLP Six-Step Reframe.
Alan B. Densky, CH is an NLP Practitioner. He began his practice of hypnosis & NLP in 1978. He offers an interactive NLP 6-Step Reframing CD on his Neuro-VISION NLP website. Also available are his Free hypnosis article library, MP3 downloads, and hypnosis & NLP newsletters.
- Alan B. Densky, CH
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